Tales of the Parodyverse

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ozbot
Fri Jan 28, 2005 at 01:28:59 am EST
Subject
Some Kind of Wonderful II
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Here is a new Parodyverse character (well, actually, two). And they're up for grabs-- feel free to use any of 'em if the creativity strikes.

**********

Oz Bot looked into the bathroom mirror in the same ritual that occurred every morning.

“You can do anything if you put your mind to it, you can do anything if you put your mind to it, you can do anything if you put your mind to it . . .”

The incantation was more than just a litany form some Southern California empowerment guru. (You know, of the sort that is likely to dress in a muumuu and sandals and preach enlightenment over the cell phone while sipping a double-shot no-whip sugar-free mocha Frappaccino.) By preaching it out loud, Oz was drawing “aphoristic” energies into him. (You know, those weird waves of reality that make cliches, witticisms, proverbs and other such aphorisms come true (who says you can’t learn new vocabulary in fanfic (or embed multiple parentheses (like this?))).

He’d been doing this ritual for every day for some time now, and although e felt very self-actualized, he was never quite sure if it worked. Oz wondered if he REALLY could do anything if he put his mind to it, so he put his mind to being able to crumple the faucet in his grip. Afterwards, he realized that that was a bad idea and had to put his mind to putting things back the way they were, spending the next half hour smoothing the faucet back into shape (but try not to get too Freudian on that visual.)

Oz Bot started his new day at work promptly at 8:00 am-- the insurance offices for X-Post-Facto Insurance Group. He first person he met was the HR trainer who guided him to his new office on the 43rd floor, the X-Igency Agency. Someone somewhere thought this might be a cute name for the insurance field investigators. Oz even got a shiny new badge that he could flash at clients. Someone somewhere thought this might be a cool idea to intimidate clients or to impress them, but more often than not just left them confused.

The second person he met was the woman who would be his partner and trainer for his 6-week probationary period. The man from HR pointed out Critique— a blue-skinned, white-pupilled, and immaculately-dressed mutant behind a large oak desk. At least, you could assume it was a large oak desk. It was hard to tell with the mounds of paperwork and manila folders that were piled atop and around it.

Critique was talking to her secretary although she seems to be searching for something on her desk. “There are 5 typos on the Penske file; you used a 10-point font on the new claims memo instead of a 12 point; I distinctly asked for one and a half teaspoons of Coffeemate®; and don’t sigh like that, dear, it’s rude.”

The HR man made the introductions, although no one in the history of introductions could have ever had made one that sounded more apologetic.

Oz felt Critique’s gaze pierce into him. She had, after many years of her life, found a comfortable spot in the private sector and wasn’t going to let anyone muscle in on her success, let alone some wet-behind-the-ears guppy. (She thought this despite the fact that all guppies are wet behind the ears, and despite the fact that guppies don’t even have ears.) Truth is, however, that Critique had found her job at X-Post Facto was the only place that would put up with her employment. All former jobs barely lasted the initial 8-hour training day. Maybe it was her mutant ability to find fault in anything. But more likely it was the fact that she was simply a jerk about it.

Oz and Critique shook hands, which prompted a “hm-- alert the park ranger. The fish are limping again.” Critique looked Oz up and down, but spoke to the HR man. “Obviously, Human Resources needed to fulfill its ‘pathetic’ quota,” and then to Oz, “Affirmative Action must really be looking out for people with special needs like you. I’ve seen better color coordination from a monkey that happened to be both blind AND acid tripping.”

HR man slapped Oz on the back, smiling goofily. “Good luck, man!” The smile may have been the standard smile one develops after working in HR for 7 years with no promotion, but it was more likely the result of his unconscious mind realizing that within moments he would be out of the presence of Critique.

Silently, Oz summoned his aphoristic energy, seeing as how he would never get another chance to make a first impression. He smiled warmly, trying to introduce himself, but Critique cut him short.

“Oz Bot, a.k.a. the hero called Some Kind of Wonderful II, son of the Silver Age hero Some Kind of Wonderful. Conformity being the last refuge of the unimaginative, you tried your hand to follow your father’s footsteps and be all you could be by fighting the good fight. Well, if high hopes sold hamburgers, you’d be putting McDonalds out of business. Instead, the hero biz wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. After your allotted 15 minutes of fame, you were but a shadow of your former self. You’ve come to Paradopolis partly because there’s a place for you -- I turn over partners more often than Oprah does fad diets-- but part of you thinks you can relive some glory days if you manage to chase down a supervillain or two.” She paused only enough to make an awkward silence, and she finished with a deadpan “Welcome to X-Post Facto, Some Kind of Wonderful II. Hope you survive the experience.”

With a smile and cocked head, Oz narrowed his eyes. “Oh, bring it on. I think I can handle myself. Besides,” he felt his aphorism levels rising, “whatever doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger.”

Oz found his desk, directly behind Critique’s. It already had its own pile of manila folders. Critique’s blob of a pile must have grown so big it was able to reproduce asexually. The top file was the a claim of a convenience store owner whose business has been knocked over (literally, 90 degrees vertically) by a supervillain calling himself the Hostess-Monger.

Oz had to laugh. “You know,” he said, feeling the last surge of aphoristic energy ebb away as he looked around the office, “this could be the start of something big.”





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